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Like a Pair of Balancing Scales...15.2.21

I'm quite an open honest person when it comes to my mental health these days, I like to think that when I share my thoughts & opinions about certain matters they might just be helping that someone in the same boat. At the moment I can't stop comparing my life to pair of balancing scales... one day I'm okay, next day I could be down, & the day after I'm just trying my best to balance them in the middle! Right now I would say I'm feeling more down on my scales than up, I know the current circumstances with the COVID restrictions are tough on everyone, not being able to do the normal things like venture out the house and explore places or having a good catch up with friends (which I'm missing massively!). Just being able to step away from cooking, cleaning, ironing to get some much needed breather is starting to wear me down. I know everyone is just a bit 'fed up' right now, & I shouldn't complain I've got a week off work.. more cleaning, ironing, hoovering to do... it's like a never ending battle in my house trying to keep it clean, & don't get me started on the cat litter tray, that thing needs to have a permanent maid looking after it!

Then I start to question certain life topics, which then makes my mind go deeper about my own 'life purpose', why was I spiritually awakened? Is there more I should be doing? Then days I start to have flash backs of certain things which happened in my past, then I question and cringe at the thought of certain things, which result my scales going further down. But why, why do certain memories of mine trigger anxiety, it's a should a would a could a scenario, I wish I could certainly change a few past memories, but really that's all they are now... just memories, & me wanting to change them is not going to happen. You have to try and learn to accept whatever you did & it's just history now. You can either wallow in self pity about something, or learn and grow from it. It's so much easier for me to type this, but maybe this is what I needed to do to help clear my own mind. I do regret a lot of things in life, things I didn't do, things I did do & I'm a great believer in whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Your mind & memories are such a powerful tool, when memories and feelings do get bought to surface I believe it's because you need to heal yourself, and put to bed certain things to be able to move forward with your life. Understand that these things happened, you can no longer control that situation but you can learn from it. I don't always feel like this, and certainly don't live in the 'past', but I do now have the power not to let it control & affect me so much.

So Monday morning... what will this week bring, a lot of lie ins (hopefully!), keeping mentally sane obviously! Ironing, cleaning, hoovering blah blah but most importantly spending more time with my kids, I'm sure they will help me keep my scales well balanced. To motive myself to have a little run, walk or do some meditation... & if that's all I do, I'll be proud!

Lots of love.

Lyndsey x

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